I work in the Menswear business. Between April and September of every year I’m privy to observe the mass cultural practice of the contemporary wedding ritual. The main observation I’ve made is two fold. One: The wedding is incredibly expensive. Two: There is an attitude of unimportance of the ceremony and it’s importance as a central role of the whole cacophony of activity.
When I look back at the photos of my grandparents and the parishes of my neighbourhood I’m struck by the austerity and frugality of the participants. I grant that many where in the Depression of the 1930’s, but many photos go back to the late nineteenth century and we observe the same thing. Men and their friends in clearly different suits and the groom, in an occasional example of extravagance, sometimes in a visibly new suit. The brides are all in dresses of modest expense and in many cases non white, but brand new for the occasion. The guests are in their Sunday best and sometimes there are ribbons on the gentlemen’s lapels. The event seems very affordable and relaxed. It's as though the emphasis is on documenting something that has already occurred as opposed to something that is still happening.
What I observe now is the ostentation and complete sense of entitlement in weddings today. What do I mean by that? I’m describing the over the top idea that everyone is entitled to a Disney wedding. Huge and plentiful dresses, tuxedos, magazine quality photos with accompanying moment by moment video documentary film, and a gigantic Godfather scale reception. I hear the laments of the participants in the burdensome expenses of these enterprises. Weddings are seen as a burden for all those involved. The gifts, the reception, the clothes, the venue, the decorations. The whole point of that reception scene in the Godfather was to show the overt display of extravagant wealth was to demonstrate the nefarious power of the Family, not to celebrate the married couple's union. But I digress...
The whole hive of activity has come to focus on ONE person; the bride. Everything, including the groom, is little more than a stage set and props for the bride and her splendour. Many may see this as romantic and sentimental, but in fact I’ve observed the toxicity of this. The event is in the mind of the culture, and more often than not the bride, all about her. It’s routinely expressed as “Her/My day”. It is turned into an ego centric exercise in self esteem and a foreshadowing of the overarching selfish behavior of the bride. This explains the inexplicable endorsement of weddings by all four of my feminist professors, but their simultaneous degrading and undermining of the institution and indissolubility of marriage. The statement of “it’s not about marriage anymore. It’s about princess for a day” was universally chanted by these professors as though to say, "you can still have your wedding as a feminist; but remember, it's really just a glorified Costume ball in your honour". So it’s really no surprise a feminist would endorse something that focuses entirely on the importance of the female to the detriment and exploitation of the male and their union. Indeed, with indoctrination like this, it’s no surprise then that these marriages are destined to fail. I’ve sat across from the domineering bride dictating the colours and styles of tuxedos as though her soon to be “life partner” were an accessory like a handbag, or the little dog that gets to sit in it is perhaps more accurate. I sit thinking, “Dude, this is the tip of the Iceberg”. If I could say one thing it would be "honey, your only a princess to your daddy. GROW UP!" But I belabour the point.
The ceremony itself is not even seen as the wedding anymore. When I ask “where’s the wedding” of the guests, I almost always hear some hall or legion named. To these people it’s not the wedding ceremony in the church or civic building that is the wedding, but the drunken revelry at the reception that is the wedding. Thus is it any surprise that the reception is seen given primary importance by couples, guests and marketeers? A wedding is really become no more than another reason to host another huge party for one’s friends and family. Indeed, is it any surprise the couple’s themselves see it this way. I’ve had many grooms openly acknowledge that the only thing they feel they have to look forward to on their wedding day that has them as an active participant is the reception… and I suspect many more are thinking it, for their actions and conversations infer those same sentiments. I fail to see how a wedding where the groom feels emotionally and culturally alienated from the whole ceremony bodes well for future success.
These narcissistic displays of decadence illustrate the problem of these cultural practices. These events cost thousands and thousands of dollars and are focused on the material rather than the spiritual emphasis of marriage! Small weddings alone cost at least twenty thousand dollars. The contrast between my grandparents and my contemporaries is starkly displayed in that alone. A couple basically starts their union saddled with the immense debt that could have been used as a down payment of a house. Or more appropriately, the liquidity to comfortably welcome the addition of the great joy and blessing of children. Is it any surprise that people “can’t afford to have children”? Indeed, instead of the cushion of wealth to ease the couple into cohabitation and family, they are initiated into the friction and pressure of crushing debt. Debt that is the death sentence of many marriages. And each precious child cannot help as being seen as another heavy debit on the great ledger against them. Add to this an undercurrent of self centred resentment for the other do to a self esteem addiction and we're sending a divorce lawyers kids to college baby!
The social pressure to conform to this secular ideal is reinforced by the vampiric media and their corporate masters. There is a reason all commercials and television is geared to women. They know women spend more money than men. And they spend it therapeutically to make themselves feel better about themselves. This is why the movies, television, magazines and advertising all emphasize the expectation to females... from the womb to the tomb. But what of those whom are unable to afford these extravagances. The poor are discouraged from marriage based on these false presentations of what a wedding is. The depression and sting of poverty are most strongly felt when marriage is mentioned to the young working poor. I acknowledge as a man of modest means, I don't even consider dating due to the looming financial expectation. So how can we seriously bemoan “shaking up” when we as Catholics do not condemn and resist the materialist wedding practices of the Culture of Death? "Shaking up" is, in a very real sense, the only affordable option available to these poor souls.
It’s clear to me that the Church has and continues to fail to challenge this attack on the family and Sacrament of Marriage. It is as though the Church is so concerned with attempting to convince people of the importance of marriage in general that it has feared or neglected to recognize the poisonous initiation into it! To break the Culture of Death’s hold upon the wedding the Church must break the materialism and feminist egoism that has infected it so thoroughly. Weddings of modest means must be celebrated as role models of joy; and the honourable and beautiful reasons for them extolled from the pulpit and during marriage preparation. Clearly this alone will not save the Sacrament of Marriage, but I firmly believe that it will contribute to it’s protection and growth. The time has come to see that the Culture of Death is not just a bioethics issue or, God forbid, some ludicrous eco theosophy; but a whole pattern of behaviour that imbues every aspect of the Christian life without rigorous instruction.
If anything I hope this has demonstrated why my maxim of “if marriage is not a sacrament it’s a scam” is completely Justified.
I work in the Menswear business. Between April and September of every year I’m privy to observe the mass cultural practice of the contemporary wedding ritual. The main observation I’ve made is two fold. One: The wedding is incredibly expensive. Two: There is an attitude of unimportance of the ceremony and it’s importance as a central role of the whole cacophony of activity.
